05 September 2011
(My favorite part of this legendary picture is seeing Mangold and his outstretched arms celebrating in the background.)
First question: What does Shonn Greene sound like when he speaks?
Second question: How old is Shonn Greene?
Third question: Does Shonn Greene prefer peeing standing up or sitting down so he doesn't have to wipe the seat in case his aim is off?
Realistically, a good Jets fan should know the answer to at least one of those questions. Before this morning, however, I knew none.
I have never heard him speak, or for that matter, read a quote from him in the newspaper or online. I assumed he was 24 years old (like most people three years out of college). And my spy camera has not been successfully installed in his bathroom yet.
Here are the correct answers...
1) (Note: You can stop the video after three seconds unless you want to know Shonn's favorite cartoon and hear him brag about ruining Penn State's undefeated season in '08.)
(Note: The interviews of him on YouTube are from before his 2009 rookie season. Do the Jets prohibit him from speaking to the media?)
2) He is 26 years old. Based on the fact he started college when he was 20 and missed the entire 2007 season due to "academic deficiencies" (he enrolled at community college to improve his grades), we'll assume he's a little slow in the classroom. Does this also explain the Jets reluctance to give him 300+ touches and goal line carries in the postseason when they have first-and-goal from the opponent's one-yard line? Quite possibly.
3) I'm going to say he pees sitting down, at least at night when he's too tired to fully open his eyes. Players drafted in the third round or later usually have roommates until their rookie contract expires. I could picture Shonn having no patience for lifting the seat and having to touch everyone's piss when his finger makes contact with the rim of the bowl.
If you're an avid reader of the blog you knew where this post was heading 283 words ago, but in case you aren't, we're going to interview Shonn Greene, with me asking the questions and then answering them on his behalf. After all, the Jets do not let him do interviews. I had no choice!
BC: Shonn, virtually every single Jets fan wants you to be the team's workhorse. We've given up on Establishing LT. You're big, strong, fast, and have that reckless abandon every great running back has. Yet despite all of this, the coaching staff does not seem to fully trust you. When pressed why they don't give you more carries, they often cite your "fumbling problem." Well, in two seasons you've fumbled the ball six times and lost five. While that's not good, it certainly isn't bad enough to keep you in the doghouse. So what's the deal? Are you simply not as good as everyone thinks? Were the 135 and 128-yard playoff performances in the '09 playoffs an aberration? Are you LaMont Jordan 2.0 or are you the real deal? Enlighten us!
SG: Damn, Buddy! That's the longest f***ing question anyone has ever asked me! Who's interviewing who here? Anyway, I'd say it's a little bit of both. I have definitely shown flashes of brilliance and I do believe I can be a 350-carry, 1,400 yard, 10 touchdown guy. Will I have the opportunity to do so? Who knows. Ask The Beautiful Mind the next time you speak to him.
But I'll be honest, there's also reason to believe I'm a fraud. Yes, I ran roughshod over the Bengals in that playoff game, and the following week forever etched myself into the memories of Jets fans when I steamrolled Eric Weddle on that 53-yard touchdown run (Editor's Note: That really was a great f***ing moment. YouTube it. I still get chills.), but outside of those two games, what have I done? Although my carries have been limited, I only have two, 100-yard games in the regular season for my career (the 38-0 W at Oakland in '09 and the 38-14 W at Buffalo in '10). For my career I'm averaging 4.5 yards per carry. Again, not great, not bad. I also lack any type of receiving skills which is a big minus. I have 16 catches in 29 regular season games. That ain't good. I'm very one-dimensional. My best case? Michael Turner. My worst case? Like you said, LaMont Jordan, minus the pass-catching ability.
BC: Many Jets fans including myself believe that you are the key to the offense's success this season. Sanchez will throw for his 3,500 yards, 25 touchdowns and 12 interceptions. We know that. But what are you going to offer us? If LT wasn't washed up by the end of last season he certainly is now. Joe McKnight is a waste. And Bilal Powell may be the slowest man alive. If you don't step up and have a big season, the Jets offense is going to be in big trouble. Do you share my thoughts and feelings?
SG: Hell yeah I share your thoughts and feelings! Don't tell anyone this, but I saw LT paying off Kyle Wilson to purposely miss tackles on him in practice! I said to LT, "I don't think Kyle needs your money to miss tackles." He responded, "Gotta play it safe, homie. Even that mook can take me down now." It's gotten real bad. I even think The Beautiful Mind will see he's done by Week 3.
Anyway, I'm not saying I'm the answer, but I'm definitely the team's best option. I was ready to be The Guy last year, but I fumbled twice in the season opener versus Baltimore. That really set me back. I'd argue it ruined my whole season. The coaching staff lost all of its confidence in me. This year, we need to establish a run game, just not with LT as the focal point of it. If teams know they can drop six guys back in coverage on every play, Sanchez is going to be in big trouble. Mason and Plax are too old to get separation from their guys anyway. The last thing they need is to have to beat double coverage. If I can't rush for 1,200+ yards and 10+ touchdowns, we're going to be in big trouble.
BC: All right, Shonn, last question. All of our readers want to know, when you go to the bathroom, do you p...
SG: Wait, what? The interview is over already? You only asked me two questions!
BC: Yeah, that's all we got. We reached our 1,100-word maximum. Most readers tune out after the first graf anyway. Now let me finish. Do you pi...
SG: Nah, f*** this! I thought I was going to be a 10-question, feature piece! I never get to talk to reporters! I have some steam I need to blow off!
BC: Shonn, I'm sorry. We'll schedule another date later in the season. Just let me finish! Do you piss sitting down or standing up? We. Need. To. Know.
SG: (Stands up) (Turns call off speaker, grabs phone) Fine, Buddy. I'll tell you. I pee... (bobbles phone, drops it, falls to floor, wire snaps, audio goes dead).
BC: Shonn, are you there?? (hears dial tone) Nooooooooo!!!!!!!