26 August 2010
|I guess this is Rex's "poop material."|
10:03-I always had the feeling defensive coordinator Mike Pettine was a big douche. He always seems miserable and pissed off at the world.
This feeling is completely validated when we see Pettine wearing a Phillies shirt. It all makes sense now.
10:05- As Schotty states that the Jets didn't score 28 points because of their poor play, the camera shows Braylon studiously taking notes. What could he have possibly been writing there? "It seems as though we need to score more points.* This is IMPORTANT." And it wasn't like he was just jotting down a thought. He was nodding his head and fiercely writing. It wasn't a mind-shattering thought coming from Schotty, just a simple observation. I'm still confused.
10:07- After a slow start, Episode Three's MVP emerges.
Westhoff's first great line of the night occurs when Dwight Lowery is being a bit lethargic on punt blocking drills. Westhoff, in a calm but angry voice states, "Take your time and fuck around a little bit more."
And then he begins his assault on David Clowney. (I was praying Clowney was going to tweet something in reference to being ripped on by everyone from Westhoff to the towel boy---no such luck.)
I did enjoy Clowney explaining why he was a "butt back boy." He says, paraphrasing, "When I come close to the sideline near coach, he says, 'Getcha butt back boy.'" And if you were wondering why The Clown is still on the team after years of failing to live up to expectations, it was made clear last night: Woody Johnson loves him. During his conversation with Westhoff, Johnson says everything but, "I'll fire your gimp ass if you cut him!" Very odd.
That doesn't deter Westhoff as he tells Clowney after a failed kickoff coverage play, "You do that in a game and you'll be heading right for the bus. I'll cut you right on the fuckin' field!"
Tight end Matthew Mulligan then notes, "Westhoff is ruthless," which is followed by Westhoff telling a player he doesn't care if he has "the triple fuckin' Asian flu," he better make the play. Hilarious.
10:15- Narrator Liev Schreiber states injuries are becoming a problem. Are they? Every guy they show riding a bike would likely not make the team even if he was healthy. It's as if HBO has a plan for each episode and even if the plan doesn't fit what's going on in real life, they'll still use it (just like with the purported fullback competition).
This does lead to two mean-hearted quotes, though. In reference to linebacker Brashton Satele's inability to get back on the field, Westhoff states, "Let him open up his freakin' pizza stand in the Bronx." Ouch. Then Tannenbaum talking to the team's trainer, asks if he got the memo about him wanting guys who are on the field, not guys who ride bikes. The poor trainer isn't even allowed a chance to respond.
10:21- Some possibly intentional, but likely unintentional comedy when punter T.J. Conley is profiled. He explains the difference between this year and last year is that he now knows what it takes to be a professional athlete. Westhoff says, "Last year I would have traded him for a night off." Conley adds, "Having that time to mature was huge." Dude, you're not a professional athlete, you're a punter. There's a huge difference. And in what way did you mature? Did you stop giving yourself dead legs on Saturday nights? I really don't get it.
10:23- A very subtle but hilarious thing from Rex...
When he and Mr. T call in Conley to tell him he's being cut, unlike the rest of the coaching staff who have quotes on their shirt like, "Play like a Jet," Rex has a long quote from Sun Tzu, the author of Art of War. I would love to have a weekly segment where Rex reads his favorite excerpts to the team. That could only be a good thing.
10:26- (Exciting introduction music!) This week's edition of Susan B. Anthony Just Vomited In Her Grave! Rex and Tannenbaum bring in a random woman whose sole responsibility is to negotiate a contract with "Magic Man" so he can entertain the team. If he had a real name it wouldn't have been as degrading, but still pretty bad.
10:28- Cameras show Slauson and defensive end Matt Krohl engaging in a donnybrook. Rex quietly and calmly notes the proceedings as he is completely unfazed. "We got one goin' on." He almost seems disappointed by its lack of violence.
10:30- How dare they foreshadow Ropati Pitoitua's injury! If he hadn't got hurt would they have ever shown the clip of coaches praising him? Hell no.
10:32- A moment of comic relief occurs when Pettine plays "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" with a fellow Jets employee. The question essentially asks how many feet are in a yard. The employee (possibly a coach?) states, "Twelve." After the laughter subsides, someone notes, "That 100-yard dash is a bitch." Tremendous.
10:35- Woody Johnson is seen running the treadmill with a group that includes Rex Ryan and Braylon Edwards. The big, gay smile on his face coupled with an estrogen-filled running technique makes for high comedy. Rex then looks at his treadmill screen and quips, "Heart rate 2,000. I don't know if that's good."
10:38- Fat dude (does he have a position?) Adam Tadisch is quickly highlighted. A few things of note happen, though. First, he sounds like Borat when he talks about football, "Eeeet's a gooood time." And then they show his legendary Arena Football League touchdown. A time-filler for sure as he is soon thereafter cut. Here's the video of the touchdown.
10:40- "I've been called an angry black man." -Jets secondary coach, Dennis Thurman
10:42- In reference to 5-foot, 7-inch Danny Woodhead, one Jet player states that of he had played in the 1950's he'd be in the Hall of Fame, and today we'd be saying, "Man, LT runs like Woodhead did."
10:45- Rookie cornerback Brian Jackson receives a lot of face time. First he is lambasted by Dennis Thurman, then he is the lone rookie hazed as he is strapped to a goal post and covered in various liquids including Icy Hot by Bart Scott, and is finally crowned King Ugly by his teammates. The winning outfit is a cheap cape, a Burger King crown hat and a plunger. When explaining the payouts for King Ugly, it is stated, "Third place gets $75, second place $25, and first place nothing. He's so ugly he doesn't deserve anything." (Note: For the first time ever, Vlad Ducasse comes in second AND third place.
10:46- I may have been the only person to find this funny, but when Rex is thinking aloud about who will make the team and the screen shows quick shots of players, I laughed my arse off when he goes, "Or even that Lil' Larry Taylor," as the screen shows a picture of Taylor with a shocked look on his face.
Note: The depth chart has "QB: 3" listed. So is Clemens or O'Connell gone? I don't understand why O'Connell is still on the team. He knows nothing about the Patriots offense at this point. He definitely has dirt on Tannenbaum.
10:47- At the team's rookie show, Mark Brunell's face is taped over the face on the Just For Men hair-coloring box.
An unidentified rookie performs well as Rex, modeling shots of Jason Taylor are shown (and laughed at), and finally Satele, performing as Westhoff says someone "...Couldn't hit a fat girl's titties." Still not sure what he said but funny nonetheless.
The Ravens' Hard Knocks rookie show was better...
10:49- I do believe it says how good a team the Jets are that HBO keeps stuffing down your throat the competition for special teams roster spots. I know they matter, but still, all the important positions are accounted for.
10:51- When Pitoitua suffers his previously foreshadowed injury, Kris Jenkins lifts him up to to go to the ambulance and says, "Damn you heavy!" Quite funny coming from of all people, Mr. Jenkins.
10:53- Rex gets news of the injury and runs up to Rodrique Wright, Pitoitua's replacement and says, " Play your fuckin' ass off. Let's go!" Wright looks downright nervous, and his facial expression reminded me of Chris Rock's "Oh lawd, what is I gaw-na do????" face.
10:55- I loved the sideline's reaction to Chauncey Washington's huge hit on the forced fumble. A group that includes Cotchery, LT, Sanchez and Rex all go crazy and start running and jumping down---and this was for a preseason game. Also of note was Woodhead's reaction to Washington's big play. His face screamed of, "Oh crap! He just made the team over me!"
10:57- I get the team wants to find a role for Joe McKnight and punt returner seems like a logical fit, but wasn't that supposed to be Kyle Wilson's job? What happened to that idea? I'll assume it's because they can't risk him suffering an injury with Revis not in camp.
10:58- A series of quick reaction shots of an angry Rex are shown. "Let's go dumbass!" is my favorite.
Also enjoyed that when the Panthers had a chance to win the game in the fourth quarter, Rex flipped out and yelled, "I'm not gonna lose this fuckin' game!" and put the second-team back in the game.
10:59- Is there anything more awkward than post-game coach comments at midfield? They should just say nothing. It's the worst possible form of a stop-and-chat.
11:00- Great producing by HK folks as they make a crappy preseason win feel like a huge victory in an exciting game.
11:02- An awkward, mediocre song about New York is played as the Jets leave Cortland to return to New Jersey where they train and play. I repeat, they were leaving New York! Stop showing pictures of the NYC skyline!
11:04- Schotty comes dangerously close to running over his children as he pulls into his driveway. That would have been quite the way to end the episode.
11:05- Mangold is shown signing his extension and when Tannenbaum asks him to give half back to the organization, Mangold quips if the organization is the U.S. government then yes, I will. No wonder most professional athletes are Republicans...
Did anyone else notice last week's teaser was a complete farce? They never mentioned the position battle at left guard and failed to profile Braylon's beard. Very disappointing.
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