22 April 2010
The NFL Draft: Where Blair Thomas Happens
Welcome to Day One (of 37) of the 2010 NFL Draft right here in New Yoooooork, New Yooooork, concrete jungles where... oh shit, well, if you don't know how the song goes, just watch ten minutes of ESPN's coverage. But that's what ESPN does, shall I be angry at the sun?
It's now officially two hours until the Rams go officially on the clock. Will they take Sam Bradford? Who knows? Who cares? I'm far more interested in how his mum looks in her New Yoooooork besties. Speaking of players and their families, is anyone other than Bradford there tonight? Clausen is gutless and scared, hence away. Tebow couldn't afford 3 nights in a New Yooooork hotel... Disappointing.
As for what WE really care about: The Jets I believe will pick sometime around 10p or 11p. For this guy (pointing at self), the pick is Hughes from TCU. Him or the yappy Weatherspoon feller. Failing those two, just about anyone who is big and mean. With all the old goats we brought in this offseason, there needs to be a new, young and verbose crop of player to join and extend this moment into a culture.
More in a bit. Seeya at 7.30!
Or read on now.. can't help myself.
(Answer to earlier stated question: CJ Spiller and Derrick Morgan both present at Radio City. ACC don't raise no fools.)
Fact: Jesus hates Tim Tebow and some team will pick him (Tebow) wayyyy to high. That for me is probably the most exciting "it'll happen and everyone will gasp and get on their phones" moment of this draft. Who are the early favorites to take that unruly plunge? (Wait, one more metaphor: the team that drafts Tebow is like the girl/guy who marries someone, anyone just so he/she can get married. It might seem like a good idea at the time... the engagement, the wedding, the party, the honeymoon will all be fun. But then: ya gotta BE MARRIED. That can suck if it's with the wrong person. I say all this because I know Jesus, know how to rate QBs and have been married.)
AAAAAND we're back!
...just in time for Sam Bradford to get booed by the RC crowd. That's good. With such a blah draft, people just need to hiss and yell at random guys.
Suh is a sportswriter's dream and nightmare in one. Spelling that first name is a disaster, but then there's the "A Boy Named Suh" thing. Over/Under on how long before Chris Berman breaks it out after Suh gets picked? (One minute even.)
Ahhh, our first look-in on the Clausen clan at home. Definitely loads of Jews (agents don't count) in there tonight.
Much more interesting than Steve Young. Listening to my two (banker) friends discuss, in a leisure setting, new and creative ways to bilk the American people out of their hard-earned money.
Back to football: most intriguing team right now has to be the Browns. I think they'll stay where they are and take someone who does not play quarterback. Holmgren is smart. He'll wait for one of his guys. In this case, Seneca will play next year. He'll do some infrastructure work today. Smart, and buys him time.
Oh, and New Yooooooooork!
My only real rooting interest tonight: the Patriots don't get sneaky and package any of their 65 picks to move up for a big boy... and to see the Giants lose out on Rolando McClain. Big Blue boys have a collective rock-hard gerkin over this guy. Gone by 10, cmon now!
And here we goooooo!
Inside source: Roger Goodell, during his time in the league office, "banged the nastiest, sleaziest, fattest secretary and everyone (presumably those classy office leeches) knew about it."
Love that, when it comes down to it, McShay still can't get a seat at the Big Boy Table.
Bradford seen, on phone.
1st pick: St. Louis Rams select QB Sam Bradford, Oklahoma
I'd tell you what the ESPN buffoons are nattering over, but the crowd here is in full throat over TEEEEBOW.
Apparently, this gentleman thinks Tebow and the other missionaries are going to Africa not just to help the kids, but to... wait for it... convert them! For shame!
Suh on the phone. McCoy not. FYI.
2nd pick: Detroit Lions select Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
Well isn't this living up to the hype, namely the hype that this would be boring through the first three picks. At least it's zooming by... the excitement lies in wait.
I'm hearing Taylor Mays is Jewish. Imagine? Him AND Ike Davis in one week?? Hava nagila, son!
Ok, Suh, we'll seeya on Thanksgiving Day.
And now, our first beer commercial: Yes, stupid as always. I'm gonna have a Schmidt's Gay to pass the commercial time.
Gerald McCoy on the phone now.
I'll just type it now:
3rd pick: Tampa Bay Bucs select Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma
note: this hasn't happened yet.
note: now, it has.
Instant reaction (to the "new" Domino's pizza: "It's just fucking butter and a shitload of garlic on the crust!"
No one is complaining.
5:00 left on the Skins clock. Now it gets interesting.
They take Okung here and this could all fall apart. Be crazy, Washington! C'mon we need ya!
4th Pick: Redskins select Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma
Another lineman from the (vastly overrated) Big XII. Splendid. Pizza coma coming on faaaast...
Based on what we've seen so far, you have to think Okung will go next to KC. Need someone to protect Cassel.
Also weak: the family scenes and the players' suits. Everything's so... normal?
Eric Berry on the phone now. His berry case looks like snakeskin. I dig.
5th pick: Chiefs select Eric Berry, S, Tennessee
Somewhere, David Carr is dialing up Matt Cassel.
Ok, now I swear it will get interesting. Cleveland Brownies! Who gets a season with The Mangenius??
I speak too soon. We have the Seahawks first. Okung, then? Please, someone take Okung-- he's the least intriguing pick on the board. End his and our misery in one fell swoop.
But wait. This is Pete Carroll working here. Potential for stupidity is there.
Big problem with this new, long-form draft. These guys will stay physically fresh (the ESPN mugs.) I enjoy it so much when Boomer and TJ are slumped over the table. That, in contrast with Kiper, who's clearly snooting up whenever the camera cuts away. Amazing no one's caught on to his shenanigans.
Chucky talking up CJ Spiller. Spiller NOT on the phone, though. That, is our man Russ Okung. Thank God.
6th pick: Seahawks select Russell Okung, OT, Ok. State
Dear Mr. Holmgren: Please take do not take Clausen. I want to watch the fucker squirm.
Question from inside our room here: Does Eric Mangini have any say in this pick?
Funny guy. (I doubt he's even in the room. Prob sent him off for pizza and wings.)
Heart Attack Alert: Steve Young makes a good point. If you're Cleveland, why not trade down. If you don't want the QB, take a step back and get your CB 3 or 4 picks later.
And with that, cue Joe Haden on phone, crying.
Damn, kid doesn't need a phone with those ears.
7th pick: Browns select Joe Haden, CB, Florida
Good to see these young men spending what must be their first paychecks on wristwear. Good gawd, Haden's watch just blinded me.
Oakland will take Bruce Campbell, book it! Or Clausen! Imagine the Clausen household after that pick comes in!
Word here is that OAK is taking Roooolando McClain from Alabama! Our resident Giants fan is distraught. The pizza kisses away his tears.
8th pick: Raiders select Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama
Vrrry nice. One draft wish fulfilled.
9th pick: Bills take CJ Spiller, RB, Clemson
Not happy. Gonna have to chase this monster around twice a year for 7 or 8 years. Good pick for Buffalo. Bad then, for the Jetties.
Observed: a question... Is the voice of God(dess) that tosses and teases before the commercials the same woman as from the Oscars? I think... maybe.
MEANWHILE: The Mets have a hit.
10th pick: Jaguars select Tyson Alualu, DT, California
First shocker of the draft. A Shit Ngata, perhaps? Somoan, too. So there's that.
Kiper, are you surprised? "NO!"
Flash! Denver has traded the 11th pick to SAN FRANCISCO. SF is on the clock
Let's think this over. SF moved up two spots-- to leapfrog Miami. Who would Miami have wanted? A pass rusher probably.
Maybe the Pierre-Paul fellow? Hmmm.
11th pick: 49ers select: Anthony Davis, T, Rutgers
Clearly, they thought someone else was going to trade into the 12 hole, cos Miami was never taking Davis. Intrigue.
Flash again!! Fins trade down, pick 12 goes to the San Diego Chargers
Who's the biggest, fattest animal left on the board? The Bolts will take him.
Discussion here is turning the wrong way: The Pats fan is hatching a plan to steal Adam Schefter's bberry via a nut-grab distraction move. It's actually not a bad plan on the merits.
12th pick: Chargers select Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno St.
No fat animal. Chargers take the back to replace LDT. Fine pick, but, like, some defense perhaps?
Flash again again! Broncos trade down again, this time to Eagles
...who will surely take Earl Thomas.
Schefter on cam but with bberry still in hand. Pats Fan here will need to grab more than the guy's bollocks to get that thing.
To paraphrase Grandpa Gene, all hell's broken loose! (This ice cream needs more damn salt!)
Oh, and by the way. All the second-half of the first round projected front seven types are still on the board. Good news.
Comment: "Jaguars fans must be beside themselves right now."
Response: "Jaguars fans? There aren't any."
13th pick: Eagles select Brandon Graham, DE, Michigan
Like I was saying.
RT @markschlereth: Broncos keep trading back. Can you say Tebow?
Let me try: "Douchebag!" Look, i got it!
Schefter bberry devalued. Definitively says Iggles are taking Thomas. Says it like he KNOWS. He was wrong. Will ESPN bring him back up to eat shit? Ha!
Let's here it for Neeeeeeew Yooooooork.
Ok, heard. Ms. Keys, see yourself out.
Seahawks letting it tick down...
Took an OT on the first time round. Would take an RB here but they're all gone. Thomas then? Overrated Texas safeties must come off the board now!
14th pick: Seahawks take Earl Thomas, S, Texas
ESPN has yet to show a highlight of Thomas that YOU wouldn't have made your fat self.
Working theory here on What the hell was Jacksonville thinking: "They were shocked when Spiller came off the board, Del Rio threw an intern over a table, and only some clerk-like guy was left to call in to the draft and he liked the name Aloo-Aloo... Aloo-Aloo heh heh heh."
And at 9:11 pm, there is a first mention of Scumface Roethlisberger. Naturally, no talk of what he "didn't do."
Gruden has been waaaay too quiet. Chucky! Let's go you wild dog, you!
JPP on the phone with the Giants. Sayonara, Osi???
15th pick: Giants select: Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida
Giants fan: "Oh, the idiot who does flips?"
Muted boos at Radio City.
Tennessee next. I'm flagging. It hurts. Keep typing. Keep... Keep...
Schefter stripped of camera privileges, apparently, after Earl Thomas debacle.
16th pick: Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech
Morgan hugs family quietly and goes to meet the commish in his very classy suit... When the hell is the NBA Draft??
Very interesting one-two now. SF, then Pit. Both could take Clausen. And oh, how the latter scenario would blow the ruff off Radio City.
17th pick: 49ers select Mike Iupati
Hmmm. That's a good pick. A mauler.
Now there's some confusion: one participant here does not know that Samoa is not Hawaii, Hawaii not Samoa. He is now being savaged by the rest. We eat our young, but this is deserved. "You really are a moron."
18th pick: Steelers select Maurkice Pouncey, C/G, Florida
First-- Pittsburgh send up a Make-a-Wish kid to make the pick. Shameless.
Second-- Pouncey's girlfriend is having a bit of it, whoooa nelly! Congrats!
19th pick: Falcons select Sean Weatherspoon, LB, Mizzou
Poo! The first guy we thought could be around for #29 is now off the board.
The drama now: Will Dez Bryant slip to the Pats? Will the Pats take Dez Bryant.
For the record: I do not want anything to do with the USC guy, his bio is like Gholston Junior.
Yawn. 20th pick Yawn Falcons select Kareem Jackson, CB, Alabama
Still no Schefter. Where you at, Adam?
21st pick: Bengals select Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma
The other guy who didn't play at all for Oklahoma last year finally off the board. Lil' help for Ocho, I s'pose.
Unrelated: The Devils, who were Going For It by acquiring Ilya Kovalchuk, have been eliminated by the Philadelphia Flyers. They both suck, but still, nice to see off Maaaaaaaaaarty.
22nd pick: Denver selects Demaryius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech
Yet another dignified suit with dignified family. Where's DEZ, spice it up?
Green Bay up now. Hope they go O-line. Other than that, their needs are same as Jetties, who at this point have to think about trading down...
Kiper-Gruden-Young-Jackson-Berman is not having a good night. Not enough work. No sweat, no animosity.
23rd pick: Green Bay selects Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa
The Jets fan, along with Aaron Rodgers, have to be happy with this. Bulaga is most appropriately named guy in draft. He is a boooolaga! A monster.
The Patriots are on the clock.
Probably should take a QB, considering Brady is injury-prone and on the down side of his career.
Highlight of the evening:
Me: Man, I really wish tomorrow were Saturday
Everyone else, in unison, winces in agreement. One audible sigh and grunt.
This is a sad scene.
Oh, hey Todd McShay. Where the hell has he been? By the way, Schefter still nowhere to be found. (Who, is about to be proven wrong again, as Dallas steps up to take Bryant.)
Cowboys have traded for Pats pick, again. Pats are so obnxious. Another year of no-impact players, congrats!
24th pick: Dallas selects Dez Bryant, WR, Ok. St.
Gruden calls Dez Bryant a "Bad, bad man!" Uncomfortable silence. "On the football field.."
Glad to keep this animal out of the division/conference.
There's a fun moment! Chris Berman just flipped out on cameraman! It was seen from afar, but his head nearly exploded when he realized "the table" was live during a "we think we're off-cam" chat.
Oh, for shit's sake. My trip to Denver is sealed as they look like they're about to pick Tim Tebow.
25th pick: Denver selects Tim Tebow, Righteous Douche, Florida
Kiper rips on Tebow. Good for Mel. This isn't about feeding the community.
Get out yer wire hangers, Deeeeenver!
Let's talk about Jimmy Clausen, huh? Where's that little prick going?
Jeremy Schaap doing a full E:60 with Tebow right here, on the spot.
26th pick: Cardinals select Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee
Blerg. We're all about the Jetties now. Kindle, Hughes, Odrick, Griffen, McCourty, and Kyle Wilson all available. They can trade down easy here!
Offical RS stance: Trade down. Pick up a 4th/5th?
Finally, they pick!
27th pick: New England selects Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers
Need some DB help, what with all the big boy receivers coming into the division. Pats on the defense...
But anyway, BOOOOOOOOOO!
Brandon Marshall, Braylon, and Santonia must be shaking in their boots right now. Howling with delight!
Apparently he's a very good special teams player. That's great... in the 3rd round.
Someone send out a search party for Adam Schefter. I'm starting to get worried.
28th pick: Dolphins select Jared Odrick, DT, Penn. St.
Unrelated: Denver opens up at Jax. Should get a sellout there, finally.
Here we gooooo now!
It's going to be an OLB. Hughes, Kindle, or the CB. I'm thinking it'll be Hughes. Maybe Wilson.
Only thing we've agreed here is that Griffen is a bad choice. Smells like Gholston to me.
29th pick: The Jets select Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise St.
I think the Jets get all those guys in the shot there!
Sounds like a Rexy pick, folks. Feisty, aggressive kid from Joizee. I dig.
Here now is the problem with only one round tonight: TJ is about to fight Steve Young... but they get a night to cool down now. Get them three picks into the 2nd round and watch the fireworks!
Alright, folks, with that-- The Lions just took a very good player, Jahvid Best-- I'm signing out! Goodnight (only after watching another 45 mins of Kyle Wilson on youtube)
ButchCrutch Reaction: Why did the Jets lose the AFC Championship Game last season? Because they couldn't cover Austin Collie Pierre Garcon. Kyle Wilson will help that. As I said yesterday, he is a straight-up cover corner. Rex already said he will be the team's starting nickelback AND punt returner. And for what it's worth, the Browns were considering taking him at No. 7 over Joe Haden...so you know he must be good!
Enjoy Day Two!
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