27 July 2010
|Don Draper and Mark Sanchez have more in common than just being the subjects of millions of man-crushes.|
There's only one way to find out.
(Note: As you'll see, and know, I'm a huge advocate of fake interviews. We have as much access to the team as a nefarious Bill Belichick intern. Oh, right. Spygate.)
BC: Your postseason aside, why should Jets fans believe you won't cost the team at least four games like you did last season? You remember how atrocious you were against New Orleans, Buffalo, New England, and Atlanta, right?
6: I can't promise you I won't cost the team any games this season cos I'm simply not that good yet, but what I think Jets fans can be encouraged by is the way I rebounded from those four terrible games. After the Saints game I rebounded in Miami throwing for 172 yards and a TD in a game our defense choked away. After I lost control of my bowels versus Buffalo, I came home to California the following week, won the game, threw and rushed for a touchdown, and then topped it off by stealing a hot dog from a fan. How many rookie quarterbacks you know could do that?
And it goes on. After the Pats game where the coaches realized I'm mentally disabled and instituted a traffic light system so I knew when and when not to throw the ball... Oh, you forgot about that? Remember I said, "We have little code words ... We just say stuff like 'focus' and 'lock in,' just little stuff like that that would remind you how important these situations are and to just relax and play like I always have. It was very helpful." Yeah, see, I actually said that. But anyways, after the Pats game I came back and led the team to a victory versus Carolina, and after the Falcons game, you know, I led us to within 30 minutes of a Super Bowl. I'm resilient.
My second year will mirror Big Ben's second year (winks). Not Matt Ryan's.
BC: Be careful who you compare yourself to there, Mark.
After reading a quote like that though, about the traffic light system and how despite receiving a sliding lesson from Joe Girardi you still managed to injure your knee that Thursday night in Toronto, I must ask you, how much did USC pay you to play at their school? There's no way they would have let you into one of their classrooms. Why else would you go there?
6: Yeah, I was never really a student per se. The deal was I'd get $60,000 per year and I'd take one class so the NCAA wouldn't break our balls. I took that Ballroom Dancing class Leinart took as a fifth-year senior.
BC: Smart. Back to football though, how do you see the addition of Santonio Holmes and a full training camp with Braylon Edwards affecting your play?
6: I think it can only help. You saw how I improved in the postseason after getting a feel for Keller and Braylon's games. We jelled beautifully. And look at the sorry list of wide receivers I was playing with last season when Jerricho was hurt. In that Buffalo game you mentioned, I was a rookie quarterback playing with Brad Smith, Wallace Wright, David Clowney, and the very recently acquired Braylon Edwards. How many rooks do you know that would have succeeded under those circumstances?
BC: Not many, but you can't deny your decision-making at times last year was beyond head-scratching?
6: It was and that's why I'm dating Jamie-Lynn Sigler this offseason.
BC: I don't see...the...connection...Mark.
|A poor AND brilliant use of one's free time.|
BC: So in some convoluted, mildly perverted, oddly intelligent way, you are maturing and improving your decision-making?
6: (Smiling confidently, teeth out, nodding head)
BC: Alright, Mark. Final question. At the end of the day a football team's success will always be determined by the play of their quarterback; especially a team with Super Bowl aspirations. Your supporting cast is loaded with talent, but can you play a leading role and drive this team to its first NFL championship since 1969?
6: Without a doubt. And here's why. I don't need to be The Man. Our defense is going to be the best unit in football. Our running game has the potential to be lethal. And the coaching staff is one of the league's best. If I can cut down on my egregious mistakes and say, cost us only two games next season and our improved defense wins us one extra game, boom! That's 12 wins and probably a division title. And if the team needs me to step it up in the playoffs and make big throws, hey, you saw how I played in January. I have balls made of gold!
BC: (Pulling away microphone) I think we're going to cut that last answer one sentence short.
(6 reaches for microphone, audio lowers, noise gets staticky)
6: Puuuuuuure gooooooooold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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