Minutes: Hard Knocks, Episode IV (Updated)

by The Likely Lad

As we rise this lovely late summer morning, the Jets are less than two weeks from Opening Night. It all begins, of course, on Monday, September 13, home at Woody's PSL Palace against those dirty birds from the Chesapeake. By the time this post goes live, it'll be just 11 days and a few hours before the full weight of Haloti Ngata is unleashed on Mark Sanchez's be-braced left knee; just a few minutes more then until Antonio Cromartie is flagged for his first drive-extending defensive holding penalty.







Food for Jackasses

So you can see where this heading. If not, then let me spell it out: This team has me in a foul mood. The quarterback looks dicey. The left guard spot looks worse-- and don't you be thinking it's unrelated. Then there's the guy from the Dick's Sporting Goods commercials. The cornerback. He's still not there. Maybe they'll come to terms in the next ten days, but I'm not optimistic. In the meantime, let's take a moment to consider what's really happening.

Darrelle Revis is entering the fourth season of a six-year rookie contract. It's a contract he's outperformed by miles and by the ugly logic of NFL football today, he's entitled by corporate and moral law to hold out, at some expense, for a new one. The question then hinges on leverage and what each side stands to gain or lose. The question is: do these two people-- Revis and Woody Johnson, the two ultimate arbiters-- have any fucking clue what they're doing?

Both men are rich. (Well, Revis is rich. Johnson is weaaaalthy.) But neither one came into that money by being money-savvy. The cornerback, of course, is a cornerback. Johnson inherited his empire. Now both are, for the first time, in a position where real negotiation is necessary. And from what I've read and seen in this show, there is real cause for concern, because I don't think Revis or Johnson understand what's at stake. They don't understand that this is about more than a Super Bowl in 2010-11, or keeping together a real good defense, or setting some kind of record for money or years in your contract...

And so we beat on, idiots in a listing boat, just hoping the Jews, Mike Tannenbaum and Neil Schwartz (who if he went to my temple would be flying through a plate-glass window before you can say l'Shana To-CRACK!), can settle this goyim-made disaster.

In honor of The Great Revis Holdout of Oh-Ten, I'm doing Hard Knocks Minutes backwards this week. We'll count down from the 60th minute. As that number at the start of each note falls toward zero, this team draws closer to an opener without their best player. And for what? A little bit of money?






*****

60: Previously established: Ducasse is ugly, Taylor is pretty, Westhoff has a specific career plan for Brashton "Bikeboy" Satele, and for God's sake we get it, Conner hits hard.

56: We open this week with the long-awaited, "Oh shit, we cut Thomas Jones" montage. Apparently no one else can get the word out like Jones did. It's a good story line for HBO and a real concern. But like all things "chemistry," a few big runs and a season of good health from Greene and LT should moot the issue.

55: The many faces of Rex Ryan. It's remarkable how fast he goes from jostling with The Beard to wrestling with an intricate point of the special teams' blocking scheme, then back to the playground chatter about winning in the first three weeks and how "that's gonna send a message to the whole league! Like, oh shit! Heh heh heh..."

54: This gives me hope, actually. Tannenbaum has an entire binder dedicated to the details of the structure of how the Jets will negotiate and pay Darrelle Revis his guaranteed money. Just the guaranteed money. That leads me to assume there are other binders for years, total compensation, and other stuff that'd make Bronko Nagurski spit and say, "Aww, horseshit."



53: If we'd only known. Last week's twitter-fueled speculation about Revis signing a deal and showing up for the third preseason game was utter nonsense. We're even treated to a shot of a disbelieving Tannenbaum and co. staring at Pro Football Talk and wondering aloud where this stupidity comes from. Cowlishaw? This Cowlishaw guy? Doesn't keep Rex from a) snarfing down a treat on his monogrammed white leather seat and b) interjecting an unusually frank, well, we're running out of days here reminder to his bosses.

52: Something to smile about for once. Mangold re-ups, apparently celebrating his mega-deal with some late night Taco Bell. Sanchez reaction: sophomoric bullshit about his newly-moneyed center taking him out to dinner. Hey Mark, you were guaranteed $50 million, remember? I wouldn't have been so nitpicky, but after the fifty-cent pizza sauce debate I'm starting to worry the guy is as immature and stupid as say, a 23-year-old college dropout from SoCal who plays football for a living.

50: Please stop showing this tape. Video on display of Slauson getting schooled in Carolina; the play that inspired Rex to order Sanchez back into the knee brace. Ducasse, for his part, won't be playing anytime soon. That's made quite clear. He is lawst, as New Yawk's Numbah One might bellow.

49: Sanchez has no binder. Sanchez has binder. Sanchez takes revenge on Schottenheimer, who dismissed him from class in order to pick one up by changing coach's computer background to an image of a white centaur ejaculating a rainbow. The Sanchize also draws some bigotes on the glass frames shielding pics of the OC's children's faces.

"We laugh it off..." -Brian Schottenheimer, before checking the weather in Buffalo

45: Aaaaaawkward. No, not Kevin O'Connell's disqisition on life as a backup to the backup's backup. I'm talking about Tannenbaum telling Kellen Clemens he can either take a 50% paycut, or a hike. As we know, living in real time, he'll opt for the former. Say this for Clemens, though, through good luck and bad, mostly bad, he's been a class act. He's a legit No. 2 for me, but... wait. Who fucking cares. Next!

44: I sure hope Edwards (in yellow Michigan sweatshirt) and Holmes (in Ohio State red reebok shirt) don't start making out like that guy and girl from the ESPN commercial. They're sitting right next to each other. It's a nice bit, even if it was probably arranged for HBO's benefit.

The color I'm more interested in: Purple. As in the color of Braylon's beverage. It's in an unmarked water bottle. Cue: "Wait, I didn't know we signed Jamarcus Russell" joke.

42: Santonio Holmes-inspired circle jerk. (Two highlights: Rex Ryan pointing Holmes out to befuddled visitor, Bobby Bowden. Then Holmes' chat with Brad Smith about Pittsburgh. Chime in please if you have any clue what he said. I've replayed it twice and still have no idea.)

40: Coles arrives (on the show). He's a good dude. You never know with these guys, but there's a track record here... Bad rap coming out of school, but never once a real issue. LC carries around a lot of shit, I'm sure, but still managed to be a really fucking good pro football player. And he's keeping it classy even as the end appears certain. Meantime, I see where this is headed. The producers will paint the decision to cut Coles as a choice between the receiver and Tony Richardson, who was never going anywhere...

...and with that, it's John Conner again. (And to Carolina, for the second pre-season game.)

He hits. Hard.

Moving on.

37: So Jason Taylor got to Woody's PSL Fuck-Palace at 6:25 pm for an 8 pm start? That's what you're telling me? Oh, and what's this... the DC and Head Coach both think it's funny. Taylor is big-timing the head coach and defensive coordinator, is what's happening. He's the only one of the three going to Canton and he'll get to the park when he feels like it. Jason Taylor's Year With The Jets has serious disaster stamped all over it. And now with Pace out, who's confident that this guy is can play OLB on first and second down? Anyone? How about when the weather turns and it gets nasty out there?

36: As for LT, he's still selling the rejuvenation thing. To be fair, he's looked good. He's undoubtedly a sociopath, but in that good, super-determined pro athlete way. We'll see.

35: Hey! Hofstra!

Hey! Taylor is here, ready for practice, but late again.

It's barely settled in when... Santonio: "We've got the most gangsterest team, eatin' cheeseburgers on the field, yo!"

This is happening. Cromartie seems to be leading the way as the DBs snack on motherfucking cheeseburgers on the motherfucking practice field. There's Marquice Cole indulging. Eric Smith reaching in the bag. Whoever the fuck #39 is. Segue to Sanchito picking them apart.

33: Drunken buffoon runs onto the field, is summarily poleaxed into the Hofstra turf. Chortles all around as coaches discuss signing up the super-aggressive security guards.

32: Westhoff's bit as team prepares for third pre-season game, against the Redskins: "Redskins... Fuck them."

A shot now of the dry-erase board with the team's night-before schedule. Coaches each get a few words in before Rex and, alas, "SNACK." It really is a bunch of grown, in some cases waaaay overgrown, men in a children's world.

31: "There's a difference between having fun and being a jackass." -Rex Ryan.

Well, it's good to know the man in charge is aware of the "Cheeseburger Incident" and that he takes offense to it. Also good to know that he's seeing something like what we're seeing, which is a 9-7 team acting like a bunch of imbeciles at every turn. I understand the boring stuff, the hours or hard work and studying that all these guys surely do, is not going to make air. But it sure does seem like there's something missing; that all the stuff the haters say about the Jets being a mercenary corps might be true.

Way to go, Rex! Let 'em have it! Bring out the blowdryer!

"The 2010 New York Jets: Not Some Slap-Dick Team!" Now THAT might've sold some PSLs! (That and fewer lying/moronic (BLEEPS) in the ticket office. Yea you, Larry!)

And just when I was starting to feel Sexy Rexy's vibe, he finishes with: "Let's go eat a goddamn snack!" Oy. Vey.

29: Really, dude? Taylor is late again. That's three times in less than ten minutes of TV. Now, he's whinging about NYC traffic. This idiot better pile up the sacks, and quick.


28: Westhoff complimenting Rex in the pre-game for his hairdryer speech from the night before. No shock there. Shame all the personality on this team wears headsets and trainers on gameday.

27: There's a laugh. Mangold ribs Haynesworth over the conditioning test drama. Fat Al notes that Shanahan is trying to kill him. He has a point.

26: Ding! Ding! Ding! It's (what's gotta be) our Rex Ryan signature moment of the night.

After LT breaks a 50-yard run toward the end of the first quarter, Rex takes exception to whomever makes the eventual tackle. Cut cameras and he's still barking at the guy, a Redskin DB I'd assume.

"That's why my brother got rid of you!"

Ah, just the piece we needed. The whole exchange takes place with the camera on Rex and only his voice coming across the air. So we're left to wonder who he's jawing at. Time to do some sleuth work...

It's the first quarter, so it has to be a member of the Skins first team. There are two players in that secondary that have left Rob Ryan's Oakland defense. Phillip Buchanon was traded to Houston during the '05 draft. And then there's DeAngelo Hall. He signed with the team a few years later, only to be cut mid-season. According to wikipedia, the team explained the decision by saying that Hall "failed to adapt to the Raiders' man-to-man style of defense and was regularly beaten by opposition receivers during the opening half of the season." Oh, and the ESPN play-by-play shows Hall as having made the tackle. Solved! Ryan was taking it to Mr. Hall.

23: Speaking of "taking it" to the opponent. In the space of two minutes, those vaunted Skins DBs strip Holmes then pick Sanchez. But it's just the preseason, riiiiight?!? (Don't tell Bart Scott, who decides to take on Skins o-lineman, the water buffalo Artis Hicks. Pettine is annoyed by Bart's temper. Ryan is overheard on the headset saying he asked 57 to go out there and fight someone to, I'd assume, help lift his burger-bloated 'mates.

Which brings to mind: Vernon Gholston? Nuts, dropped. Faux fight, engaged. Block, blown up. I guess HBO is through with his boring act. Maybe they'll show his fumble recovery in a few...

21: This requires no HBO magic. Ducasse's ineptitude leads to a Kedric Golston sack and the subsequent grounding and pounding of Sanchito's shoulder into the turf.

Really, if management was gonna leave a gaping whole somewhere on the offensive line, couldn't it at least have been on the quarterback's right side? A few weeks of this shit and it'll be twinkle-toes Sundays. It's hard enough for these young QBs without the threat of a blindside, inside unblocked rusher.

20: With Pace hurt, Rex walks up to Jason Taylor, who's lounging alone on the bench, to remind him that he's the starting OLB now. Like, he has to play ALL the plays. Rex makes his point politely, but Taylor is impassive. What a shit.

19: Second team D gets a collective anal-pillaging by the Skins second team offense. Cut to Pettine, who looks like a defeated man. Or maybe a man who's starting to realize this team has real issues.

17: Sandwiched between shots of The Beard being fitted for a suit, we have ol' Brashton Satele with his lady in Times Square. They walk by a pizza place and the missus is right on point, reminding him about what Westhoff said. There's a true "Hard Knocks" moment, as the comment was made out of the player's earshot. Satele and the girl must have heard it last Wednesday night as they sat together to watch the show.

16: Jason Taylor has obviously never seen Million Dollar Baby.

15: What WILL Kellen do? Take the pay-cut or "test the market." Yea...

Clemens then asks Tannenbaum if by caving, he's setting himself up as a push-over. Tannenbaum is blunt. He reminds Kellen that his contract is up after the season anyway, so umm, don't think too hard, kid.

12: Coles gets dumped. But with respect. Rex pulls the trigger.

Sad to see, buuuuuut there's a mention of the money they've stashed away for 24. Just fucking sign him up already!

Weird shot of Coles packing his shit. Let's just say he has his Dillard's Face on.

10: Clemens takes the deal. Then in a lil' passive-aggressive dig, mentions that he'll go apartment-hunting now. Not house-hunting. Apartment-hunting. Take that Tannenbaum!

8: Tannenbaum and Rex sit, ruminating on how they've built a team with not a single reliable backup at any position. Lovely.

That's a wrap folks. Next week, Rex and his titties climb into a hot tub. That, and some talk about a guy wetting himself. Maybe they mean yours truly, who will surely have pissed on something beside a sheet of toilet water if Revis remains unsigned.

1: And with that, a lovely Thursday to all.

ZER0: Buddy will be back next week for the finale.

Post Scriptum: BC's Thoughts

If you didn't blown your brains out after reading TLL's Minutes, then allow me to piggyback on his observations.

There's no question this episode was disconcerting. The immense hole at left guard and lack of depth at every position was made painfully clear. I couldn't agree more that the last thing Sanchez needs is to know that a trained, crazed animal will be trying to kill him every play and will be unabated in his efforts.

What I found interesting, mainly because I had typed a post about it the other day but then passed out and forgot to finish it, was that Rex acknowledges he is the Jets. Every player on the team looks to him to be their verbal, emotional, and most problematically, their physical leader. He can't do that, obviously. The team seems to take everything he says to heart, in particular that they're all the best at their respective positions. Perhaps it will take thrashings by the Ravens and Patriots to wake the Jets up. I just hope it doesn't get too late, too early.

And to clarify TLL's "temple-glass-window" comment, for consecutive years in the late 90's a person was thrown through a glass window on Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur at our temple. It's safe to say the excitement of those High Holy Days has not been matched since.

Hard Knocks: What We've Learned

The Jet brain trust.

Sadly, we only have two weeks left of Hard Knocks. It's been better than I expected, at least in terms of my paranoia level with the Jets on the show. I feel in past years there was more football strategy discussed, more film room talk, more trade secrets revealed, if you will. The censorship this year has been much better---cursing aside, of course.

Let's recap what we've learned so far.

-I'm filing a motion to have Tannenbaum and Rex formally called T-Rex whenever on screen together. Not only do the two behemoths take up half the television, but they're always insulting a player (often behind his back), bullying trainers and coaches, or denigrating a female peasant who is often bringing them food.

Arbitrary Jets Henchman: T-Rex is in a bad mood. He wouldn't stop yelling and roaring at me. Someone needs to feed him!

That could work.

And while we're on the subject, who knew Tannenbaum was such a douche. When you hear him in press conferences or on his somewhat regular spot with Francesa, he is the most politically correct, polite dude in the world. But on the show he's an animal. He curses, unnecessarily brags, makes inflammatory comments about people's professions and abilities. It's all very disconcerting.

-Maybe the Jets don't have as many characters as we think. You expected most of the show's comedy to come from the players and their big personalities. That has not been in the case. Rather it has been the coaches, namely Rex and Westhoff, who have carried the Comedy torch. We have heard virtually nothing from Braylon, Santonio, Jason Taylor, LT, and Keller, and not nearly enough from Bart Scott, Mangold, and Cromartie. Is this being done on purpose or are they just not as entertaining as you'd suspect? And if you noticed, their rookie show sucked. They're not a funny team.

-I think HBO is disappointed with the Jets. Not because the show hasn't been extremely entertaining and funny, but rather that they expected more from the team. I think they anticipated far more internal and external trash-talk, strange publicity stunts off the field, and just more pizazz than has been showcased thus far. The Revis situation has to disappoint them. They had a dream holdout with the best defensive player on the best defense on the best team (in my opinion) holding out for a record contract. They had unprecedented access to the contract negotiations and the candid conversations with Tannenbaum that followed. And then, after one episode, that immense storyline disappeared.

We're only crossing the halfway point of the season so there is still potential for real drama to unfold. It will be interesting to see how coaches and players react to the offense's struggles. It must have felt an awful like 2009 in the locker room after Friday night's loss. That's a good thing for TV, but a bad thing for just about everything else.

Time to Panic: Part I

You're right. I looked much worse watching Friday night's game.

It's a rite of late summer. As the sun sets earlier in the evening and the intensity of baseball's pennant races increase, so too does the anxiety of football fans. By the end of the NFL's third preseason week every fan base has seen enough of their team to overreact both positively and negatively. Whereas the good things are rarely discussed because, well, it's only the preseason, the bad stuff tends to stick out like Mark Sanchez's sore right shoulder. But that is the purpose of the preseason---you know, to diagnose and fix all the problems that plague your team.

When you have a team with Super Bowl aspirations like the Jets though, you expect the hitches in your glorious plan to be minor and easy to overcome. With this team, however, those flaws have gone from innocuous to downright alarming. And it only took a week.

Take Mark Sanchez, for example. Everyone assumed Sanchez's meteoric maturation in last year's postseason was a sign of things to come, that his largely dreadful regular season was a distant memory. I was on board with that line of thinking. I ignored the fact the team had to neuter him during the season's final two weeks to ensure they made the playoffs. And now, I feel like a damn fool. That's not to say I've lost faith in the 2010 version of Sanchez, but just that I'm quite fretful of a repeat regular season performance.

In three preseason games Sanchez has thrown as many touchdowns as interceptions and he has led the team to only one touchdown versus a first-team defense. Moreover, he's making terrible decisions. He looks downright jittery in the pocket, which can be contributed to his uncertainty with new wrinkles in the offense and the offensive line's lack of protection (particularly on the edges), or it can be chalked up to him being far more book smart than he is street smart. I know Sanchez spends coach-like hours in the film room, but just because you love it, doesn't mean you're good at it.

Then there's the injury to Calvin Pace. You could argue with many starters sitting out the final preseason game, the Jets escaped the summer months with very few key injuries. And that is true, but the injury to Pace---a broken foot that will sideline him for six weeks---is huge. He is the team's best pass-rusher and with games against the Ravens and each AFC East team in the season's first four weeks, the Jets can ill-afford to lose an integral piece of their defense. The Jets pass-rush was an issue last season even with Pace in the lineup, so to subtract him from the equation is a frightening proposition.

Both of these issues are dwarfed by the elephant in the room, or in this case, his absence from the room. Darrelle Revis is still not in Florham Park, N.J. and I'm starting to freak out. I really did think a deal would get done before last Friday's game, but it appears Tim Cowlishaw's report was complete rubbish. (It was a bad week for Around The Horn contestants, as Mariotti was arrested for felonious actions and Cowlishaw totally butchered the Revis story.) Now, with his holdout at 28 days and the regular season half that many days away, it appears the Jets may begin their most anticipated season since 1999 without their best player. At least that year the Jets lost their MVP in the season's first quarter, this year it appears he will never even take the field.

As you may have noted, the title of this article has "Part I" in it. The implication being this is not the first and only time I'll greatly overreact this season. In fact, I expect this to be a running theme. When expectations are as high as they are for the Jets, the slightest bump in the road feels like driving into a brick wall. I just hope they find a way to navigate around this roadblock.

Minutes: Hard Knocks, Episode III

I guess this is Rex's "poop material."

Before we start, I just want to say thank you to Mike Westhoff. Without you this edition of Minutes may have stunk, but with you...

10:03-I always had the feeling defensive coordinator Mike Pettine was a big douche. He always seems miserable and pissed off at the world.

This feeling is completely validated when we see Pettine wearing a Phillies shirt. It all makes sense now.

10:05- As Schotty states that the Jets didn't score 28 points because of their poor play, the camera shows Braylon studiously taking notes. What could he have possibly been writing there? "It seems as though we need to score more points.* This is IMPORTANT." And it wasn't like he was just jotting down a thought. He was nodding his head and fiercely writing. It wasn't a mind-shattering thought coming from Schotty, just a simple observation. I'm still confused.

10:07- After a slow start, Episode Three's MVP emerges.

Westhoff's first great line of the night occurs when Dwight Lowery is being a bit lethargic on punt blocking drills. Westhoff, in a calm but angry voice states, "Take your time and fuck around a little bit more."

And then he begins his assault on David Clowney. (I was praying Clowney was going to tweet something in reference to being ripped on by everyone from Westhoff to the towel boy---no such luck.)

I did enjoy Clowney explaining why he was a "butt back boy." He says, paraphrasing, "When I come close to the sideline near coach, he says, 'Getcha butt back boy.'" And if you were wondering why The Clown is still on the team after years of failing to live up to expectations, it was made clear last night: Woody Johnson loves him. During his conversation with Westhoff, Johnson says everything but, "I'll fire your gimp ass if you cut him!" Very odd.

That doesn't deter Westhoff as he tells Clowney after a failed kickoff coverage play, "You do that in a game and you'll be heading right for the bus. I'll cut you right on the fuckin' field!"  

Tight end Matthew Mulligan then notes, "Westhoff is ruthless," which is followed by Westhoff telling a player he doesn't care if he has "the triple fuckin' Asian flu," he better make the play. Hilarious.

10:15- Narrator Liev Schreiber states injuries are becoming a problem. Are they? Every guy they show riding a bike would likely not make the team even if he was healthy. It's as if HBO has a plan for each episode and even if the plan doesn't fit what's going on in real life, they'll still use it (just like with the purported fullback competition).

This does lead to two mean-hearted quotes, though. In reference to linebacker Brashton Satele's inability to get back on the field, Westhoff states, "Let him open up his freakin' pizza stand in the Bronx." Ouch. Then Tannenbaum talking to the team's trainer, asks if he got the memo about him wanting guys who are on the field, not guys who ride bikes. The poor trainer isn't even allowed a chance to respond.

10:21- Some possibly intentional, but likely unintentional comedy when punter T.J. Conley is profiled. He explains the difference between this year and last year is that he now knows what it takes to be a professional athlete. Westhoff says, "Last year I would have traded him for a night off." Conley adds, "Having that time to mature was huge." Dude, you're not a professional athlete, you're a punter. There's a huge difference. And in what way did you mature? Did you stop giving yourself dead legs on Saturday nights? I really don't get it.

10:23- A very subtle but hilarious thing from Rex...

When he and Mr. T call in Conley to tell him he's being cut, unlike the rest of the coaching staff who have quotes on their shirt like, "Play like a Jet," Rex has a long quote from Sun Tzu, the author of Art of War. I would love to have a weekly segment where Rex reads his favorite excerpts to the team. That could only be a good thing.

10:26- (Exciting introduction music!) This week's edition of Susan B. Anthony Just Vomited In Her Grave! Rex and Tannenbaum bring in a random woman whose sole responsibility is to negotiate a contract with "Magic Man" so he can entertain the team. If he had a real name it wouldn't have been as degrading, but still pretty bad.

10:28- Cameras show Slauson and defensive end Matt Krohl engaging in a donnybrook. Rex quietly and calmly notes the proceedings as he is completely unfazed. "We got one goin' on." He almost seems disappointed by its lack of violence.

10:30- How dare they foreshadow Ropati Pitoitua's injury! If he hadn't got hurt would they have ever shown the clip of coaches praising him? Hell no.

10:32- A moment of comic relief occurs when Pettine plays "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" with a fellow Jets employee. The question essentially asks how many feet are in a yard. The employee (possibly a coach?) states, "Twelve." After the laughter subsides, someone notes, "That 100-yard dash is a bitch." Tremendous.

10:35- Woody Johnson is seen running the treadmill with a group that includes Rex Ryan and Braylon Edwards. The big, gay smile on his face coupled with an estrogen-filled running technique makes for high comedy. Rex then looks at his treadmill screen and quips, "Heart rate 2,000. I don't know if that's good."

10:38- Fat dude (does he have a position?) Adam Tadisch is quickly highlighted. A few things of note happen, though. First, he sounds like Borat when he talks about football, "Eeeet's a gooood time." And then they show his legendary Arena Football League touchdown. A time-filler for sure as he is soon thereafter cut. Here's the video of the touchdown.


10:40- "I've been called an angry black man." -Jets secondary coach, Dennis Thurman  

10:42- In reference to 5-foot, 7-inch Danny Woodhead, one Jet player states that of he had played in the 1950's he'd be in the Hall of Fame, and today we'd be saying, "Man, LT runs like Woodhead did."

10:45- Rookie cornerback Brian Jackson receives a lot of face time. First he is lambasted by Dennis Thurman, then he is the lone rookie hazed as he is strapped to a goal post and covered in various liquids including Icy Hot by Bart Scott, and is finally crowned King Ugly by his teammates. The winning outfit is a cheap cape, a Burger King crown hat and a plunger. When explaining the payouts for King Ugly, it is stated, "Third place gets $75, second place $25, and first place nothing. He's so ugly he doesn't deserve anything." (Note: For the first time ever, Vlad Ducasse comes in second AND third place.

10:46- I may have been the only person to find this funny, but when Rex is thinking aloud about who will make the team and the screen shows quick shots of players, I laughed my arse off when he goes, "Or even that Lil' Larry Taylor," as the screen shows a picture of Taylor with a shocked look on his face.

Note: The depth chart has "QB: 3" listed. So is Clemens or O'Connell gone? I don't understand why O'Connell is still on the team. He knows nothing about the Patriots offense at this point. He definitely has dirt on Tannenbaum.

10:47- At the team's rookie show, Mark Brunell's face is taped over the face on the Just For Men hair-coloring box.

An unidentified rookie performs well as Rex, modeling shots of Jason Taylor are shown (and laughed at), and finally Satele, performing as Westhoff says someone "...Couldn't hit a fat girl's titties." Still not sure what he said but funny nonetheless.

The Ravens' Hard Knocks rookie show was better...


10:49- I do believe it says how good a team the Jets are that HBO keeps stuffing down your throat the competition for special teams roster spots. I know they matter, but still, all the important positions are accounted for.

10:51- When Pitoitua suffers his previously foreshadowed injury, Kris Jenkins lifts him up to to go to the ambulance and says, "Damn you heavy!" Quite funny coming from of all people, Mr. Jenkins.

10:53- Rex gets news of the injury and runs up to Rodrique Wright, Pitoitua's replacement and says, " Play your fuckin' ass off. Let's go!" Wright looks downright nervous, and his facial expression reminded me of Chris Rock's "Oh lawd, what is I gaw-na do????" face.

10:55- I loved the sideline's reaction to Chauncey Washington's huge hit on the forced fumble. A group that includes Cotchery, LT, Sanchez and Rex all go crazy and start running and jumping down---and this was for a preseason game. Also of note was Woodhead's reaction to Washington's big play. His face screamed of, "Oh crap! He just made the team over me!"

10:57- I get the team wants to find a role for Joe McKnight and punt returner seems like a logical fit, but wasn't that supposed to be Kyle Wilson's job? What happened to that idea? I'll assume it's because they can't risk him suffering an injury with Revis not in camp.

10:58- A series of quick reaction shots of an angry Rex are shown. "Let's go dumbass!" is my favorite.
Also enjoyed that when the Panthers had a chance to win the game in the fourth quarter, Rex flipped out and yelled, "I'm not gonna lose this fuckin' game!" and put the second-team back in the game.

10:59- Is there anything more awkward than post-game coach comments at midfield? They should just say nothing. It's the worst possible form of a stop-and-chat.

11:00- Great producing by HK folks as they make a crappy preseason win feel like a huge victory in an exciting game.

11:02- An awkward, mediocre song about New York is played as the Jets leave Cortland to return to New Jersey where they train and play. I repeat, they were leaving New York! Stop showing pictures of the NYC skyline!

11:04- Schotty comes dangerously close to running over his children as he pulls into his driveway. That would have been quite the way to end the episode.

11:05- Mangold is shown signing his extension and when Tannenbaum asks him to give half back to the organization, Mangold quips if the organization is the U.S. government then yes, I will. No wonder most professional athletes are Republicans...

Did anyone else notice last week's teaser was a complete farce? They never mentioned the position battle at left guard and failed to profile Braylon's beard. Very disappointing.

Minutes: Hard Knocks, Episode III

Coming early Thursday morning (or late Wednesday night for my college brethren---I exhausted the amount of drool I can release from my body in a 24-hour period during my late evening nap; can't sleep for days now).

Some big news coming from Rex Sanchez headquarters. Looking forward to announcing it soon.

Note: I know, I was wrong about Revis announcement. They read my post. I blew their cover. My bad. Y'all will hear it soon.

Where there's smoke...

The Decision: Part II?

There's Hard Knocks.

On the eve of the season's third episode, reports have surfaced the Jets and cornerback Darrelle Revis are on the verge of reaching an agreement on a new contract for the team's best player.

And then of course there are reports that completely debunk the above statement.

Mike Florio of Pro Football Talk breaks down the highly unusual media war of words:

1.  Tim Cowlishaw of the Dallas Morning News and ESPN reports via Twitter that a deal will be done this week, "probably Wednesday." 

2.  Reporters mobilize to confirm or debunk Cowlishaw's report.

3.  Multiple media types, including Jets beat writers and national information folks, report unequivocally that a deal isn't close.

4.  Some Internet hack with no credibility and no sources somehow pulls off the blind squirrel/acorn trick, reporting that it's center Nick Mangold, not Revis, who is close to getting a deal.  Other reporters thereafter confirm this development. 

5.  Cowlishaw stands by and reiterates his Revis report.

6.  Time passes.

7.  Mangold signs a new contract with the Jets.

8.  Cowlishaw reports that the two sides will meet on Tuesday night.  Dan Graziano of FanHouse.com confirms it, and he also reports that a deal is close.

9.  The blind squirrel, still feasting on slow-roasted acorn, reports that Cowlishaw and Graziano's reports are incorrect.  ESPN's Chris Mortensen and John Clayton and Bob Glauber of Newsdayseparately concur.

So what does this all mean? Even in all my paranoia regarding Hard Knocks, I can't believe the Jets have planed all along to pull a LeBron and wait until Wednesday night to announce the signing of Revis to an extension. I really can't.

But is it possible that with the Jets' third preseason game quickly approaching Friday night, and a sense of concern building over the team's lack of depth in the secondary, that the Jets are finally ready to give Revis his contract? After giving Mangold and Brick their respective extensions, it won't seem as if the Jets are "caving in" with Revis, but rather they are just "taking care of their guys."

You also get the feeling that since a media ceasefire was declared between the Jets and Revis' representatives, owner Woody Johnson has taken a more prominent role in negotiations. And as Johnson has shown since Aug. 7, 2008---the day the Jets traded for Brett Favre---he has a flare for the dramatic. So would it be shocking for him to coordinate a Wednesday night announcement of Revis' extension? Sadly, no, it wouldn't be. The Jets have undergone an incredible transformation over the past two years. They have gone from an average NFL franchise to one of the league's preeminent, show-biz-comes-first organizations. Tomorrow night, on HBO, with all of New York and the football world watching, don't be shocked if Johnson takes a page out of LeBron's playbook.

When you have a big ego, you have a big ego.

Preparing for Liftoff...

This "man" holds my deepest and most intimate sports dreams. Crap.

Sunday afternoon I was given the choice of watching a live, regular season Mets game or a recorded, Jets preseason game.

I chose the game that didn't count---in the standings, that is.

Even with a 9-3 final score, in a game where there were more punts than first downs and the Jets' average yard per completion was under one, I still enjoyed watching Jets-Panthers more than Mets-Pirates. (Note: The Mets haven't lost my love, just my respect and interest.)

The positives from the Jet victory were obvious: Nick Folk---one of the Question Marks---nailed all three of his field goal attempts including two, 40+yard boots that had distance to spare. And of course, the defense was spectacular as they may have now started and ended Matt Moore's Panthers career. He was atrocious.

The negatives were equally apparent. Sanchez looked bloody awful and the offensive line did little to help him. Joe McKnight continued his miserable running back play gaining just 28 yards on 11 carries and losing one fumble. He did, however, break off a 67-yard punt return that gave the Jets possession inside the Panthers' 10-yard line. Rex joked after the game he was surprised McKnight didn't puke after the return---dude's never gonna live that one down.

The season-ending injury bug finally hit the team when promising 25-year old, Samoan defensive end Ropati Pitoitua tore his Achilles' tendon. All things considered though, two games down, two to go, only one fat defensive lineman lost...I'll take it.

-A few notes on Vernon Gholston. The Jets bust of a first round pick from 2008 has received a lot of attention in recent days thanks to Hard Knocks. In the show, Rex speaks of VG's "balls dropping right before our eyes" and in order to piss him off the coaches assign offensive lineman Robert Turner to fight him during practice. When you see the coaches discuss staging a fight for VG, you initially think, "Oh crap, they probably didn't want this on TV," but in retrospect, I think they did. They knew the story would get back to Gholston and they thought by embarrassing him on HBO it would further light his newfound fire. Well, Saturday night Gholston recorded five tackles, two of which were for a loss. Moreover, when questioned about the staged fight, Gholston said, "I ain't scared of no fight." His grammar skills aside, if Gholston can play like the "bad mutha" Rex wants, the Jets could have a surprise pass rusher for the 2010 season. (I buy EVERY word Rex says on Hard Knocks.)

-If this Nick Mangold extension news is true (which apparently it is---expect an announcement Monday afternoon), A) I'm happy he'll be a Jet for years to come, and B) More importantly, I think it gives the Jets leverage in the Revis talks. Clearly they're not being cheap as Mangold would be the second of the "Core Four" to get a contract extension this offseason. And as the Jets leaked to the press weeks ago, they've offered Revis up to $120 million. It also sets a good precedent that those who honor their contract will be honored with even more money in return.

-Shut up, Tony Dungy. Nobody ever heard you curse because Peyton Manning was and still is the head coach of the Colts. Everyone knows that. Get over yourself.